Don't cry over spilled jam

I was browsing the new delicatessen shop in Copenhagen airport, set on bringing back some nice Scandinavian food. My choice landed on elderflower syrup (good for pancakes) and a specialty jam with chili that tasted really good. I chit-chatted to the Swedish sales person in a mix of Danish/Swedish which she seemed to enjoy. I then left to get a spot of breakfast in the lounge before I had to run and catch my plane. I was flying back to New York via Paris, which I have not done in years, in fact I don't remember ever having a layover there; I have been to Paris many times, but not as layover. So although I had checked that my next flight left from the same terminal ("Yeah, I don't have to go through security again"), I had not remembered the completely insane layout of the CDG terminals. Each little finger of 5-8 gates has their own security. So as I walked through the kilometer long wavy rolling pavements, I somehow exited the security limit, ending up at the baggage claim with my two new-found girlfriends. We had all sat on the same row on the plane and they were both starting university in Paris, very excited to do so. I advised on everything from picking classes that were diverse to making sure they didn't study too hard as we walked out of the plane. When I realized my mistake I promptly went back to the one girl who was still waiting for her luggage and gave her the syrup. "A moving present", I told her and she laughed when I told her I had no choice. I still naively believed they would let me bring the jam.

At the security control they found the jam and the security lady explained to me very elaborately that I had needed to get it wrapped with a receipt inside the bag (just as the lipstick that I had just bought). I nodded obligingly but as soon as I realized that there was no way they they would let me have it back (obviously jam is liquid and very dangerous) I said to her "This is nice special jam. Promise me you will take it home with you and enjoy it". I walked away annoyed but also just in the need of not thinking about it anymore. Wasted jam was the least of my problems anyway.

I'm back in New York and as the avid reader will realize, that was not part of my initial plan back in January. Or that is, of course it was. I'm trying to build my life here now and so far I'm not doing too bad. I'll have a new job by September and I'm able to stay in my little West Village apartment with the view of the Empire State Building. Zoe will hopefully come over in October for a couple of months and things will be good. Where in Stockholm the only thing I liked was my apartment, here I like everything and my apartment.

Lessons learned

Today Zoe and I learned:

1. Cupcakes are not the best airplane food.

2. People in the security line do not necessarily help you push your trays and bags down when you are busy taking shoes off a 2 year old, or even offer to help. Some people prefer to stare you down.

3. If you kick the tray table with a cup of coffee, the coffee sometimes spills into mommy's shoes on the floor. And then mommy gets mad and takes away the iPad.

4. 40 minute layover in Houston is not enough because often the first plane will be delayed and the second one on time.

5. Just because you get to go up and look at the hotel's sky deck pool at 9:30 at night does not mean you get to go in. Even if you take off all your clothes.

6. Traveling all day, a long drive and two planes, is exhausting and both big and small people need to go to bed at 10pm.

Here we go again

On Thursday I'm taking Zoe back to her 'home country', the US, for the first time since we moved to Stockholm a year and a half ago. I have been back plenty times but only on short business trips. This time we are doing a tour of friends/colleagues and finally attending one of my main conferences where I have a paper. We will be gone two weeks. Zoe's dad is going to the conference too so I hope we can distribute the child-care between us and not end up like at the second conference I took Zoe to when she was one year old.

I have started preparing Zoe by talking about what she wants to bring; so far she wants to bring her 'big baby' and the baby's stroller. I just bought an iPad mini which I'm loading up with games and videos for the airplane ride. When we talked about the airport security yesterday I realized one thing: we will be sent through the 'old fashioned' x-ray portal rather than the futuristic body scanner that most people go through and I doubt that they will "touch" Zoe. When I explained her all this she was very disappointed.  "Zoe wanna touch. Zoe big girl, go through big scanner". I know she loves to "be touched", her version of being body searched because she always asks for it, especially if I have to go through it. The security people are usually really nice and give her a light pat down but with the freakiness about child touching in the US I doubt they will even be allowed to do it, let alone be convinced to do it. So I remind myself to explain this to her again when we approach security. Last time she didn't get touched she had a melt down and I had to go and ask for it. Who should have known that we would end up so backwards?

10 questions about Zoe and Louise's travels

I have collected a set of questions that one who enters this blog might ask. It also contains hidden advise if you travel with a baby or toddler yourself.

1. Do we travel alone?
Well, no we travel with each other. But yes, not only since I split from Zoe's dad, but also before this: When we lived in the US I frequently took Zoe to work meetings and occasionally overseas travel. Her and I also didn't always go back from holiday in Europe at the same time as her dad.

2. What is the best tool for traveling?
The baby carrier, hands down. I have a Beco Gemini and it has saved me millions of times during short layovers, long walks (now that she can walk) and for having her sleep in.

3. Why do we travel so much?
Apart from living in a completely different country from 1. where I am from, 2. where Zoe was born, 3. where her dad is from and 4. where all of my close family lives (none of these countries being the same), I travel a lot for work. A lot is about 6-10 times per year. Add to that family visits.

4. Does Zoe have her own frequent flier card?
Yes, Euro bonus on Scandinavian because this is the main airline we fly between Stockholm and Copenhagen where most of our family lives.

5. Has Zoe ever been in the cockpit?
No, but if the door is open when we enter she waves at the pilots. When we leave she always says "bye bye airplane" and waves back at it.

6. Does Zoe walk through the security metal detector herself?
Yes, and she has done that since she was about 20 months old. I taught her to wait until I turn around and ask her to come through. She always wants to be 'touched' too and we often have to ask the nice security lady to do a little pat down for Zoe.

7. Does Zoe misbehave when flying?
Generally no, but once as we were boarding the plane, she walked straight over to the air bridge control panel and grabbed the joy stick to the surprise of me and several other passengers. Turns out the controls are on and working when you board. Who should have known? Nobody got hurt. Other people's kids open the car door by accident while driving. My kid moves the air bridge.

8. Worst plane trip memory?
A recent one where Zoe ran away as we were checking in our luggage. I caught her but was so upset that I shook her and yelled at her until she started wailing and we sat down on the floor in the middle of the airport and both cried and hugged for 5 minutes. Not my proudest moment.

9. Best plane trip memory?
All the trips where Zoe, straight after take off, leans against me and falls asleep.

10. Crazy coordination memory?
When I bought an actual plane ticket for my mom so she could come through security to pick up Zoe in Copenhagen airport where I had a very short layover on my way from Stockholm to Munich. Zoe's dad was away too and this was our only option for 3 days' babysitting. Problem is that now Zoe looks for grandma every time we disembark in Copenhagen. 

How do I get to Berlin?

With Zoe being two, I have not flown by myself for two years apart from the occasional short trip (I can count them on one hand) and then of course the big conference trip two weeks ago. Today I flew down to Berlin for a 4-day research meeting and some differences in flying habits became apparent.


When traveling with Zoe:

1. I leave on time with a plan for how to get to the airport and who can help me. I have bought the airport train ticket online the day before.
2. I know exactly how long the flight(s) are and the duration of the the layovers. 
3. I know how to get things out of my bag quickly for security and I wear shoes I can take off without hands. 
4. I know what is in my bag. 
5. I have a window seat so Zoe can't get out. 
6. I turn off my phone before I board.
7. I know how to get from the airport, that being train or a taxi that I know has a car seat.

This is how I traveled today:

1. I left and realized as I boarded the subway train that it would have made more sense to take the "pendel" train because the platform is much closer to the airport train platform.
2. I knew when my flight left and what airline. I had no idea when I was arriving.
3. I had to drink half a bottle of water in front of the security guy to get my bottle through (I religiously recycle bottles because I am a firm believer in the ecological value of tap water). I had to rummage through my bag to actually find my computer.
4. I managed to sneak in toothpaste and lip gloss that I had left in my bag (this happens a lot though, I believe airport security is actively ignoring small liquidy items to save time and because we all know there is no actual danger in liquids like this)
5. I was surprised to find that I was actually in economy extra where I got a meal, wine and help with placing my carry-on suitcase. The travel agency had booked my ticket according to my inflexible time requests and I hadn't noticed before I boarded.
6. The stewardess (not the nice one) had to tell me to turn off my phone because I was still texting a friend while we taxied out to the runway.
7. Last, but not least, I had no idea of how I was getting from the airport to the hotel. All I had was the hotel name and a firm belief in public transportation. I found a friendly face at the pharmacy where I bought a pair of nail scissors (that I couldn't have flown with due to no checked in luggage) and he pointed me to a bus that took me straight to the Zoo, 200 meters away from my hotel. Only with a little help from my iPhone and my Danish sim card that gets me online everywhere in the world for no subscription fee.

Toddler flying tricks

Because I don't want to end up like this family (who I feel utterly sorry for, the flight crew seemed in my opinion to have been the uncooperative ones. The sharp distinction between 23 months and 29 days and 24 months and 2 days means that you have to give a bit of leeway to the toddlers that are this age. If not the airline needs to make a rule that children between 2 and 3 cannot travel. It is that simple), I have several tricks that I use and occasionally forget to use when flying with Zoe. She is still a lap infant and due to airlines' wide interpretation of lap-riding rules I am prepared to be flexible. Generally, discount airlines tend to make guidelines into strict rules so for example even though there was an empty seat next to me on the flight back from Copenhagen, I was told that Zoe had to sit on my lap with the extension belt on take off and landing.  The ironic part of course being that if I had paid for that seat she would have had to sit in it. Regardless of her 22 months of age. Scandinavian Airlines always let me choose.


In an aim to be a bit structured, here are a few of my best tricks in absolutely no particular order:

1. I still don't ever bring a stroller. If I need one at my destination I check it in, covered in a thick stroller bag cover. Our Bugaboo Bee has been on 10+ flights and still works great and looks flawless. Most airports have some sort of baggage carts and if the cart doesn't have an infant seat I am able to place Zoe on the suitcase with her feet resting on my smaller bag. This is of course completely unsafe and cannot be recommended... Most of the times though she likes to walk and I make sure to have plenty of time before and between planes. I can still fit her on my back in the Beco (a soft structured baby carrier) but it is getting harder to get her up there because I need a chair for her to stand on to get up and with bulky coats it is hard to tighten. But she still loves it and it is convenient for small walks between train and plane. 
2. Over the winter I don't put neither snowsuit nor boots on her for the trip. She gets a bit cold on the 5 minute walk to the train station but this is nothing compared to having to take a bulky snowsuit off her and try to maneuver it into a suitcase along the way. She travels in a hooded sweater and her indoor shoes which are perfect for walking in an airport and easy to get on and off for security.
3. Before, I tried to travel around Zoe's bedtime so she would be alert and awake, especially if my flights were short. More recently I have embraced the trick and fly exactly when she usually takes a nap or goes to bed. Last time this worked like a charm; she might not take as long a nap as she would usually but it is so much easier to sit with a sleeping baby than a restless one who thinks that our neighbor's magazine is very interesting. 
4. The inflight security chart is always great reading material. It has the key ingredients in a good book according to Zoe: babies. There is always a couple of pictures of babies putting on life vests and we make up stories of why they are going on the slide and how they get the door open. Seriously, better than a book.
5. Bring 'nacks' (i.e. snacks). If forgotten, buy miniature Lindt chocolates that can be carefully unwrapped and eaten slowly. Okay, that box was 100 Skr (app $15) but it will last at least a couple of journeys. Yes, I am that kind of mom who gives my daughter quality chocolate for plane journeys. Obviously she gets only apples and dry wheet crackers at home.
6. Talk to her about the actual journey before and during the trip. We have a book called 'Going on a Plane' that describes the activities around flying and although it is not by any means great story telling, it does go over the key things. I know that she recognizes things by now and she is learning to queue up going into the plane. This journey she walked proudly onto the plane herself and turned into the (still open) cockpit to the obvious amusement of the crew. "Are you going in to say hi?" was the casual response and I was happy they seemed so relaxed about it. I let her walk down the aisle on the plane and she walked as long as I encouraged her. She crawled into our window seat herself and waited for me to take her onto my lap. She seems very comfortable with the whole process by now.
7. Pick a window seat. There is no way Zoe would sit in an aisle seat without trying to get out. The fact that there is a stranger, and often two, between her and "freedom", means she has no choice. The window also provides great entertainment on take off and landing. That said, I have a very hard time getting her to sit on my lap with the extension belt (a European standard) because she is leaning on my buckle, which is probably hurting. I usually turn my buckle to the side, effectively making my own seat belt useless but with the other option being a screaming, kicking toddler, that it the safest thing to do. Another thing that I am seriously thinking of doing is lying: The crew in the air has no idea if you have bought a seat (if there is an empty one next to you) or not unless the plane is completely full, so when Zoe is 2, and if she is having a bad day where she needs to sit on my lap, I'll lie and say she is still a lap infant. That would have saved the poor family.
8. Security. This is still my least favorite part of flying to use an understatement. Especially here in Scandinavia where people are as unhelpful as a flock of sheep being guided into the fold. The security officer told me twice last time that I could not have Zoe sitting on the edge of the table where he was checking out my stuff ("routine check") even thought that was my only option since in Scandinavia they make you take out your things yourself (here the rules are inverted: the security officers are not allowed to touch your things, you take them out yourself where obviously in the States you are not allowed to touch your stuff if is it being searched). He did make up for it by fetching me a hand luggage cart and I was happy. I was also happy that they are not strict about the individual passing through the metal detector. Sometimes Zoe does not want to wait and run after me, making us go through the arch the same time. Last time I beeped but they only searched me (I would probably have had a fit if they had searched Zoe anyway). I try to talk to Zoe about it and go down on my knees right before we go through the metal detector. "Now Zoe, mom is going through and you wait here. Then Zoe comes over to mommy, okay?" I still fear the day they hold her back because I beeped (which happened to a colleague and her 3 year old son to the horrow of the poor boy).

Our next trip is Helsinki in a couple of weeks. I am flying over alone with Zoe and Mark will fly back with us. He is attending a work meeting and I always wanted to see Finland's capital. The flight is about an hour so no big deal.

Crash and Burn

Last night, Zoe and I flew our 44th flight together coming back to London from a long weekend in Copenhagen. It was a short flight, an hour and a half and I was in such relaxed state beforehand that I forgot to put diapers in her changing kit (I flew hand luggage only so I had some in my roller suitcase) and I didn't think of dinner before we were inside the terminal around 5.30pm. It was one of those journeys that ended up being 'interesting' rather than bland or eventless.

The security guard asked me, for the first time ever in Copenhagen airport, to take Zoe out of my carrier with the logic reason that "If not, they couldn't search me properly if I beeped". It might just be me who is particularly clever and capable of reasoning that in the case I beeped, they could ask me to remove her, but no, that would be to hard to figure out. He then proceeded to ask me if she could walk through the metal detector herself. Zoe is 16 months and if you have ever experienced a 16 month old you would know that 1. they do not like to be far away from their parents, and 2. sometimes they love being away from their parents, so much that they run off in a different direction entirely. "She is not walking through herself", I answered through my teeth. On the other side a security officer offered to get me a hand luggage cart, which I politely declined but applauded him for the help.

I was in perfect time for my flight, not too early and no need to rush. Except when I looked at the screen the flight showed an hour and a half delay. Nice. With a tired toddler in an airport. After consulting with information it turned our that Copenhagen airport has a little known, large play area with toys and seats for adults. We stocked up on dinner (sandwiches) and headed over there. Zoe played with a French boy whom she followed around like a puppy but who didn't think much of her. One hour was easily killed.

Zoe was her usual little happy self when we got to the gate and I let her walk onto the plane herself for the first time. Walking on as the last people, she was charming all the other passengers, waving her little hand as she walked down the aisle to 28A. Little did they know that they were to see and hear much more from her.

She sat in her own seat as we took off, fully occupied by the little stuffed chicken that they crew had given her along side a book that she flicked through. I was the proud mother of a patient, cute, calm little girl as we started out flight towards Heathrow. After take-off I asked for a blanket and a pillow for her because by now it was quite past her bedtime and I could tell she was getting tired. She adorably pulled the blanket over herself and tried to make herself comfortable on the seats (we were given a full row to ourselves because the replacement plane was twice the size of the original one) but she wasn't really able to lie down long enough to drift off. She knew she was tired but she couldn't calm down. I nursed her a bit, trying to help her sleep but she gradually went into her overtired overdrive that I know only too well.

I finally let her go into the aisle where she quickly looked around and then took off towards the front. I ran after and took her hand, explaining that she had to hold mommy's hand. We then walked up to business class where a flight attendant and I exchanged looks, me expressing that I knew she wasn't allowed her and her expressing that she had to ask us to turn around. I was mostly worried about Zoe turning her attention to passengers who did not want her attention because she waved and pointed and said hi (Bah? Da? Gaga) to most of the people she passed. After a few trips up and down, the most childfriendly of the flight attendants came down and asked if Zoe wanted a ride. We looked up and the stewardess lifted her onto the now empty drinks cart. "Hold on to the side", she demanded and Zoe did as she was told. The flight attendants then proceeded to push the cart up and down the aisle to Zoe's clear joy and amazement. When they finally came back, Zoe was certainly not done but I had to take her and thank them. She was now not just overtired but also set on getting another ride so she started crying when I held her close and tried keeping her in her seat. I explained to her she had to stay there, I tried with snacks, I kissed her and I tried holding her loosely, knowing we were about to land. At one point the stewardess from business came down and asked if her ears were hurting. I almost snapped. "Her ears are not hurting, she if completely overtired". "Is there anything I can help with", she said but I declined and this was probably my mistake. As she left, I almost lost my temper and I squeezed my hysterically screaming toddler so hard that I know I should't and hissed at her. I wanted to hit her, I wanted to pinch her. I took a bottle with rice milk and stuffed it into her mouth. She spat it out, still arching her back. I took it and stuffed it in again, now holding it more firmly. After three tries, Zoe finally started sucking and before she had sucked the 3 ounces down, she was fast asleep in my arms. Now I was the only one crying.

So after 43 flights with her, 1/3 of them by myself, I still have lots to learn. One of them is that sleepy toddlers need a bit more help sleeping because crash and burn is UGLY. Another one is that stuffing a bottle (as much as I hate her still having it) in her mouth sometimes works (there was no way I could have stuffed a nipple in the same way, that requires two hands). And the last one is of course to accept help when you need it and not try to be such a supermom. This is the closest I have ever been to hurting her our of anger, because of the frustration of the situation, one that is public (I know for a fact that her 5 minute screaming woke up several sleeping passengers) and one where there a limited remedies (like a bed where you can put your hysterical baby while you cool off yourself). Let's hope I will remember this for her next 40 odd flights.

Security attitude

One thing that often gets to me is the attitude of security officers. I know I am not alone in this but having traveled so much with Zoe in many different carriers, through changes of TSA regulations and with all kinds of milk, with and without baby, I often find myself ahead of the officers. One of the things that annoy me at the moment is that since it is no longer allowed to carry your baby through the metal detecter in a carrier (wrap, soft-structured carrier etc), except at the discretion of the security officers, the officers tend to interpret the regulations differently. They basically mix up carrying your baby with the rejection of the backscatter. So when I ask if I can keep Zoe in the carrier they often reply tonelessly "Then I will have to pat you down". This always gives me an annoying choice between taking her out and running the risk of going through and not beeping (which only happens half the time these days) or simply save time and just go for the 'patting down' anyway. But I don't want to look like someone who 'likes' to be padded down so I mostly end up just taking Zoe out and sitting her down in one of the plastic containers while I put the carrier back on (now that she walks, I put her down and ask her not to go anywhere which is a bit of a gamble). The problem is that this reply by the officers is wrong. It is at their discretion to let me through with her in the carrier or not. Instead the answer would either be yes or no according to the officers subjective ruling. If he says yes and I beep, well then I should get patted down, but if he says no, then I have to remove my baby according to the new regulations from November 2010. Thinking about it, I probably just won't ask next time and take her out so she can roam free a bit. My next problem will of course be when she is big enough to have to go through the scanner herself. I am not looking forward to that.

Security with a baby: liquids

I always hated going through security, particularly since they introduced the so-called liquid ban in 2006 because as a woman you always have the lip gloss or hand creme in the back pocket of your bag, and being environmentally conscious I like to fill up my water bottle instead of buying a new every flight. So I always bring an empty bottle that I then fill once I have cleared security. In UK airports they for some odd reason don't have water fountains as in the US and the water in their bathrooms is heated. Here I therefore shamelessly walk over to any food vendor without a queue and ask them to fill my bottle.

I have always had to bring milk for Zoe. The first flight because I was at this point pumping and feeding her with a special needs feeder and for most following flights because it is nice to have a bottle. Luckily, all places I have flown have exceptions for baby milk, however still with restrictions. Rule number 1: Always declare the milk before you put your stuff through the x-ray. I have sometimes forgotten and not got into any trouble but I have heard of others who did.

In the US they most often take you aside and swipe the container of milk with explosive-sensitive wipes, or so it looks like. Make sure you have plenty of time because you often have to wait for an available officer that can leave the security station. Believe it or not but airports in the US are actually some of the most lax about this part and I have sometimes 'forgotten' to declare my milk and gotten through with a bottle buried deep in my luggage.

In Scandinavia the officers acknowledge that you say you are carrying milk for the baby and let you through without looking at it. That said, I do speak the language and I am sure I get some positive discrimination here.

In the UK, particularly in London Heathrow Airport they are extremely thorough and this is where I have had a few almost inconceivable experiences. My first trip through here was, as I said, with Zoe when she was three and a half weeks and I was still pumping milk and feeding her with a special bottle. I had about 3 small bottles of breast milk with me, all under the allowed 4 oz (100ml) in plastic bags. After getting through with Zoe (this was a time where I was asked to take her out of the carrier so she had woken up and was a bit unhappy) we waited about 15 minutes while my bag had been placed on another table in a queue and one officer slowly went through each of the bags with their owners. When he finally got to my bag he looked at me sternly and asked what it was. I answered that it was breast milk and he then asked me to taste it. That's right, I had to taste it to get it through. I objected, arguing that it was in fact under the normal limit for liquids and if it had been creams, toothpaste etc, it wouldn't have been a problem. Okay, he answered, slightly annoyed, then just taste one of them. At this point we were late for our connecting flight and I just poured a bit of milk out on my hand and licked it up. So I can now tell you that breast milk is rather sweet and thin.

Long haul flight back from Sweden

Flying back from Sweden with a 4 month old baby was not bad at all. Zoe slept almost the whole long haul flight from London to LA, letting Mark and me have nice dinner and watch a movie. Zoe was snoozing in the bassinet above our seats, where she occasionally opened her eyes, looked drowsily at us and then dozed off again. This preemptively made up for the full on cry all the way from LA to San Diego.

We had been relaxing in the LAX lounge when the personnel came down and told us that our flight was about to board and the gate was quite a walk away. It was still early which is why we hadn't packed up yet and I was feeding Zoe. I had to de-latch her and put her in the carrier where she started crying. She was not done eating. What we also hadn't realized was that we had to go through security again. And the line was long. I looked the officer in the eyes as he sent us out a door where the end of the line had snaked around to, hoping he would realize I was carrying a crying 4 month old and let us through before everyone else. He didn't budge. Outside I started pacing back and forth while Mark stood in line for us but Zoe was still out of it. People looked sympathetically at us but nobody offered us their spot. When we got inside the door, still with a wailing baby, there was a bit of commotion up front and the security officer from before came over and, still not looking at me, told us to come up front. They let us go through in front of the still snaking queue and I almost felt the communal sigh from the crowd as we started jogging towards the gate.

At that moment a little airport car came towards us with a woman that was about to save our night. "Do you need a ride?" she said and we nodded. With Zoe still crying we made the flight as the last passengers and a check-in guy letting us know that we were very lucky. I didn't feel very lucky because Zoe was still crying, now hysterically, so hysterically that she couldn't even latch on as soon as I attempted after sitting down and fastening my seatbelt. She just cried and cried. Mark took her for a bit of the 20 minute flight, which felt like three hours, but it wasn't until the pilot turned on the seatbelt sign for our inflight that she finally fell asleep. We stayed on the plane until everyone had left and then very carefully, very quietly put her in the carrier again where she continued snoozing until we got out to the curb. Our friend and summer subletter were waiting with our car and Zoe's car seat. Mark and I agreed that for a 18 hour journey, she had done very well. This was not bad at all.