Friday, January 2, 2015

New Year resolutions

Many years ago I made a "new years resolution" that I was never going to make any promises for the new year because they were only just gonna be broken. I would try to live healthy for two weeks, then back to my usual regular chocolate and too-busy-for-the-gym lifestyle or I would promise to work harder, get up 6 am each morning to write a bit more on an article, only to do it for three days before I got back to snoozing until 7am (I do actually recall two enjoyable weeks where I did get up super early and went into our freezing kitchen our California apartment with a shawl and a cup of coffee to write on a particular paper). But I do better without telling myself that this year will be different, this year will be better because I know I do my best every single day. I do the best that I can do that very day and that might be different for different days, but I rather want to think that I'm good enough, just the way I am. Every day.

But I do wonder how I ended up in such a ridiculous situation as I'm in. I should be excited and happy, I am certainly better off than many others (why do people always say this btw? If I should be happy just because I have a permanent job when many others don't, if I should be happy just because I have a stable place to live when others don't, then when all comes down to it, nobody would be allowed to be unhappy or *strive towards more* unless they were close to starvation with no family or friends. I honestly hate people who tell me I should just be happy with what I got); but I'm terribly unhappy. My brother asked me yesterday if I had any New Years resolutions and I told him, as usual I don't. Instead I have wishes. Wishes for two big things that I hope and pray will come true this year. Two things that will make me happy and make up for all the things I have lost the past couple of years. And no, love is not one of my wishes. I'm nowhere near over my marriage and still wish that we could figure things out. I wish he hadn't given up on me after three months, but that's what I got. It seems to me that guys move on swiftly if there are any problems and never look back.

My New Year wishes will be expensive but I'm not giving up. In fact I have a large printed poster in my living room with those words: Don't give up. I'm bringing the poster to New York.

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