New York life for 6 days

After bringing Zoe to my usual conference we are stopping by New York on the way back. I am officially on vacation without any deadlines, which is a rare thing for me, so we have been hanging out with friends, shopped and eaten our usually places and simply been a bit nostalgic about our old lifestyle and 'hood (West Village). I'm overwhelmed with the amount of play dates Zoe has had, with the fact that her old drama teacher volunteered to have her for an afternoon (essentially giving her a private theater lesson) and with all the people recognizing us at our regular places. New York is still home to us. But what really got to me was when we entered the apartment building this evening after a long fun day, and Zoe seemed a bit sad. "What's wrong", I asked and she looked at me tearfully. "It's just New York. I miss it so much". She then broke down crying and started hugging me. "I just miss it so much when we are here. And I grow up so fast, suddenly I'm a teenager, then I'm grown up..." I didn't know what to say but we walked up to 4th floor, her still sobbing a bit, me worried that she was reading my own sadness, missing New York at the same time as us having a brilliant time here. "One day you will move back", I half-promised.

But we also have a lot of good things to go back to Denmark to. We have our new apartment to go back to, a new little brother who will come out in a month's time, and friends and family to spend time with. I asked Zoe if we should stop going to NY for a while, so she wouldn't get sad and she actually nodded. We will see how we do though, once an addiction, always an addiction. The Empire State Building was shining blue for us that evening.

A regular everyday life

I grew up in a nuclear family with a regular life of going to school every day and having dinner together with my family every night. Like most middle class children in the western (and possibly also eastern, northern and southern) hemisphere. Yet, since I was 18 my life has been less than regular, mostly because I have spend few long stretches of time in the same countries or city, instead often in differing settings with a multitude of living circumstances and a mix of irregular jobs. It has never bothered me, in fact I enjoy the diversity in my life and I know I get tired quickly from staying in the same place. (perhaps this is one reason I feel so much at home in NYC, the city where you could eat in a different restaurant every night and never run out of new options)

But tonight, as Zoe was drifting off to sleep, and suddenly remembering that we forgot to read in the big history book when we were in Copenhagen, but it was too late now, because we were back in Stockholm, I had a solemn realization: Zoe has never had a regular life. At least not since her dad and I split up, which she barely remembers anything from. The most regular life she has had, was when we were in New York and, mainly because she was stably there for two months at the time, before she would go back to Sweden and spend two months there. In NY we would have bagels and coffee (only me) for breakfast every morning and run to school (because we were always late), before I would go to work. We would have dinner together every night and she would go to bed at the same time, after always reading a goodnight story. We had specific activities for each day of the week, from yoga (Zoe had a children's yoga class concurrently with me having a grownup class) to me picking her up and bringing her back to my work. On Fridays she had dance class and I would run to Wholefoods for food, being back in time for pickup and on weekends we would often catch a show.

These days, her dad and I, are doing two days each, then five days each, in order to distribute the weekends. But with me in Copenhagen, we go back and forth, with Zoe missing a day in school here and there (kindergarten in Sweden is not obligatory).  She loves it in Copenhagen and I make sure to always give her a detailed schedule of what we are doing so she feels in control and knows where she will be. But a regular everyday life, it is not. As I was rubbing her back and she was still awake, I promised her that when I get more organized, I'll make sure to read a chapter of a book every night, without exception and we won't have ad-hoc sushi while watching old Chaplin movies at the coffee table. "What does ornagized mean, mom?", she said and before I could answer she went on "but I like it this way, I think it would be boring. And you are the best mom in the world". And who am I to argue with that?

Broken heart

I don't usually write much about my love life because it is very private to me, so I might mention that I'm seeing someone, but there is a big difference between dating someone and actually having feelings. Add to that, trying to date as a single mom while trying to get pregnant, oh and splitting my life between three cities, the last five years have been messy to say the least. However, rarely dull. I'm lucky to be in a very social work sphere with a lot of men around me, being a very social person with a lot of chances of meet new people through friends, but I also lived in the heart break city of them all: New York City. My main challenge, however, is sadly that I'm an extremely well educated and (people tell me) smart, attractive woman. It unfortunately creates as many barriers as advantages, if the educational part is even an advantage at all. A relationship only works if you can have an equal informed and nuanced conversation and respect each others' educated viewpoints. I have out-argued many a first dates or left social conversations because there was no challenge.

Another problem I have is that I tend to fall stupidly head-over-heals in love with guys. Not necessarily very often but when I do, it is ever encompassing and it takes me months or years to get over it. Because as sad as it sounds it has only ever happened three times where it was actually reciprocated. And all of those three times, the guy promised me everything, only to pull back weeks or a few months later, leaving me completely heart broken.

But there is one thing I have learned about relationships, from both heart break and dating without any serious feelings: A relationship needs to have certain qualities on top of two people being in love with one another. For me it boils down to mutual respect, some essential things in common and feeling comfortable in each others' company. Then I have a few very specifics that I'm not going to mention, but these are specifics that reflect trauma from my long-term marriage where certain things just never got solved. But if they are all there, I'm in. Maybe in another 10 years.

Japan holiday

Over Easter I went on one of the first real holidays in years (real holiday defined by not being three days tagged on to a conference) with my new special person because this would be one of our last chances before I can't fly for a while. And when I can fly again it will be, if all goes well, with a baby in tow. It was the most wonderful trip, just relaxing and doing touristy stuff, because in Japan you are not fooling anyone, except of course if you are Japanese, into thinking you are anything but a tourist. We saw temples, cherry blossom and I ate an insane amount of green tea flavored items, from ice cream and kitkat chocolate to yogurt and pastries. On the flight there I had hoped to get upgraded because of my condition but no such luck, however, Japanese people are very  sensitive towards pregnant women and I was offered to skip lines, sit down on a crowded subway and one evening we got seated in the special section of the restaurant for only Japanese because it was more comfortable for me.That was one of my best evenings ever because we just sat there, laughing, talking, drinking sake and enjoying life. But as all holidays, it ended and I'm now back in Copenhagen working until Zoe and I go to my yearly main conference in the beginning of May.