Japan holiday

Over Easter I went on one of the first real holidays in years (real holiday defined by not being three days tagged on to a conference) with my new special person because this would be one of our last chances before I can't fly for a while. And when I can fly again it will be, if all goes well, with a baby in tow. It was the most wonderful trip, just relaxing and doing touristy stuff, because in Japan you are not fooling anyone, except of course if you are Japanese, into thinking you are anything but a tourist. We saw temples, cherry blossom and I ate an insane amount of green tea flavored items, from ice cream and kitkat chocolate to yogurt and pastries. On the flight there I had hoped to get upgraded because of my condition but no such luck, however, Japanese people are very  sensitive towards pregnant women and I was offered to skip lines, sit down on a crowded subway and one evening we got seated in the special section of the restaurant for only Japanese because it was more comfortable for me.That was one of my best evenings ever because we just sat there, laughing, talking, drinking sake and enjoying life. But as all holidays, it ended and I'm now back in Copenhagen working until Zoe and I go to my yearly main conference in the beginning of May.

One way back to Stockholm

I'm livid. Nothing less. There is nowhere hiding it and I'm not going to keep quiet or be subtle anymore.

There are two things you have to know to understand this: Firstly, when sharing custody of a child, one parent can deny the other one taking the child outside the country of residency. Mostly this is due to fear of kidnapping but there doesn't need to be a stated reason, if one parent says no, you should not do this, it can lead to custody taken away. Secondly, when sharing custody and there is no written explicit visitation agreement, one parent can limit or deny the other parent visitation (i.e. being with) the child. Just by saying no. The other parent then has to go through the court to get a settled visitation schedule.
After Zoe's dad's and my negotiations about her future residence and schooling broke down (partly because it was all demands and threats from his side, nothing constructive, nothing that would give me an option for seeing her even close to 50%, him turning down any of my counter suggestions) he refused to let her leave Sweden. Let me repeat this: leave *Sweden*. Flybaby, who has spent countless hours flying from one country to another, who is an American and Danish citizen, who has the vast majority of extended family in Denmark and her mom in New York. Basically, he told me, unless I give in to her staying (forever) in Sweden, he would not let me take her outside Sweden from now on. About a week ago I then flew to Sweden to see her (I had been working towards deadlines 12 hours/day until then); last minute he hesitantly agreed that I could take her to Denmark if I bought a return ticket for her as evidence she was coming back. But even after this week, I am still due to see her for two and a half months this fall, as we are still sharing her time between us. But he is ignoring my requests to send her over to New York to spend time with me here (our face-to-face communication broke down long time ago and we are now emailing and talking through lawyers). Zoe keeps asking when she can come over and I keep saying, I don't know but if we both ask him, he might see the sensible in that a 5 YEAR OLD GIRL SPENDS EXTENDED TIME WITH HER MOM.

This morning, after a week in Copenhagen, I put Zoe on a plane as an unaccompanied minor back to Stockholm and got on a plane back to New York myself. A plane I have begged her dad to let me buy her a ticket for as well, for months so she could fly back with me. I was in the air when I discovered the entry in our still shared calendar. I gasped so loudly that two other passengers turned towards me: He had bought tickets for him, Zoe and the girlfriend to go on holiday to Greece in two weeks time. Without consulting me. On dates spilling into what we long time ago had talked about being my dates. So after refusing me to take her outside Sweden, he now makes his own plans to do this.

I'm so frustrated and angry, I can hardly think. Zoe and I cried our eyes out this morning when we said goodbye at the gate, me hugging her, she telling me that she would tell her dad right away that she wanted to go visit me in New York. Now all I can think about is staying on-board, taking the plane back to Copenhagen, going to Stockholm and just forget about New York. I mean, what does it mean anyway? A dream job, a boyfriend, the penthouse in a high-rise in Brooklyn, close local friends? It all means nothing compared to my little girl. Nothing.

I was going to give her the life I always wanted, living in New York and having all the opportunities of dance, acting classes that I never had the opportunity to take (and believe me, she is talented, her teachers are raving about her), good education, being in the middle of everything. Instead I'm going to give her (and me) the life I never ever wanted, living in a country I dislike and find utterly annoying, in a job I literally hate.

Reading your mother language

Swan water bike

I was walking home alongside the east-most lake in Copenhagen. The lake where I, as a little girl, fed bread crumbs to the ducks and on one unlucky day got bit by a swan almost taller than I. The lake that I strolled around with Zoe in her pram during many of our visits to Copenhagen. I continued through the tiny streets with the 'potato row' houses watching kids play on the street and parents sitting in their mini-gardens drinking coffee. I was returning from brunch with my brother and parents, at the 'coffee salon' next to the rental water bikes on the lower lake. The sunny sky was a perfect backdrop to my Copenhagen nostalgia. Yet, my mind had been partly on Zoe because I knew she would have loved the brunch (bacon, waffle, melon) and we would have rented a swan and biked around the lake. She was in Stockholm with her dad, having fun camping. I will see her next Friday when she comes down for the weekend.

Books for Zoe

With nostalgia in Copenhagen comes nostalgia for my childhood and extra effort to provide Zoe with tools for learning her mother tongue and learn about her mother country. I stumbled upon a used book store a couple of days ago and tried to stay within the limits of what I can fit into my suitcase to take back to New York. I already have a set of books from my parents and other important cultural artifacts that I want to bring back so I carefully selected just four. I can't wait to read them for Zoe when we talk over skype or when she comes back to New York in the end of October.

My summer holiday in Copenhagen is wrapping up, I'm leaving next week after three weeks trying to see as much of family and friends, while working on papers and skyping into meetings in the evening (due to time difference). One of my good calls was staying with my brother and his family for a couple of days so I got to see more of them, particularly my adorably little nephew who recently started talking. He is slightly confused because he usually sees me together with Zoe but now he gets more of my attention without Zoe pointing out that I am her mom, not his mom. Don't worry Zoe, I will always be your mom, always.



 

Vacation

One of the apparent perks of living in Sweden (and other Scandinavian and some European countries) is that on paper we have 5-6 weeks of paid vacation per year. I often hear non-academics, international people telling me how lucky I am and how nice this must be. I have to agree not to seem ungrateful (which I am not). But fact is that I used to go on actual vacation or holiday, (that kind of trip where you fly somewhere, stay at a hotel or similar, and relax for x number of days, expanding your cultural horizon) way more when I lived in California than when I moved to Sweden. In fact I have not had a single holiday since I moved three years ago. Instead I take days off going to Copenhagen for a prolonged weekend, I have a summerhouse with my family in Denmark where I go during the summer for a week or two, and I take the occasional extra day or two in extension to a conference, most often with Zoe. Zoe has never been on such holiday either, not that I think she is missing out on anything, she has plenty of variety in her life, flying places with me and seeing the world, but traditional holiday, she has no idea what is.

As a researcher focused on my career, trying to publish as much as possible, six weeks of vacation is not really an option, unless you want to not move up in the system. I would never have time to do the research needed to maintain an academic career if I didn't spend teaching-free periods on this, and this is a fact generally acknowledged among researchers. What I often end up doing, is taking 'fake' vacation, entering it into the HR system and working anyway. Since the university requires you to take all the vacation that you have, because otherwise they have to pay you cash for it, and that is not within their budget I usually just take the last bit in the end of the year (I understand it from their perspective, as a large organization, they did not have much influence on the broader academic system and the negotiation of vacation time among workers in a country, so it should not become an extra expense to them).

But I do miss real holiday. I miss planning a trip through Europe, taking the train, flying to Japan and exploring different cultures. But with no partner to do this with and a single income to live from, it is no longer really an option. I look forward to when Zoe is just a bit older and her and I can go exploring in far-off countries. Right now I'm planning extended weekend trips with her to other European capitals. Perhaps Berlin, perhaps Amsterdam. Perhaps next year.

I know most researchers are in a similar situation and that vacation is something rarely taken in the traditional way and I'm not being ungrateful for what I have, because I know that many people in this world don't even have options for days off. But I do find it to be one of the things I miss the most from my previously married life and it becomes apparent around this time of year where I enter my fake vacation into the system.