Work-life happiness

In between lunch meetings, a visitor talk and teaching prep (why did I think it was a good idea to have a lecture on topic X, which I have only ever taken one class on and not used or read about for five years, when I set up the syllabus?) I was sitting at my desk in the large open offices at my university pondering how things are just so nice here in New York. And how lucky I am to be here. I *really* like my colleagues who are all super competent, smart and hard working. We differ a lot in terms of research approach, I'm very qualitative where my neighbor for example is very quantitative. But we get excited about similar subjects and can discuss our research in dept. The open offices mean that we say hi and acknowledge each other throughout the day and in my group we have 2-3 impromptu meetings per day. I don't actually feel disturbed when I have to focus but I also come in a bit earlier than most of my colleagues and get a peaceful head start.

But what I also really like about this university is the positive energy of people and the smoothness of procedures. I had been here for less than two weeks before I had been introduced to and were on first name with most of the administrative staff as well as faculty members. Open offices also helps with this since you are much more likely to bump into colleagues walking through to the kitchen and common areas. The atmosphere is saturated with positive attitudes, "Yes, we can figure that out, yes, I'll help you with that", contrasting my university in Sweden where you most often get a No (we don't have money, resources for that) or an "I can't help you with that, find someone else who can".

So when people ask how things are here, I can't stop raving about how wonderful my work is. I have been asked to stay over the summer which is great but beyond that, unfortunately there are no options. I'm not the kind of person they are looking for to join their faculty here. Although that would probably make my life complete.

If my job satisfaction was not enough, my life-satisfaction is beyond anything in over three years. I'm being social with people I like (new and old friends), I have the most fun and adorable daughter to spend off hours with. Zoe is happy as happy can be because she is with her mom and at her new preschool she is starting to make friends. We have playdates with other children (new and old friends) and she is stoked to be in dance class where she understands everything. I downloaded Redrover, a mobile app that shows activities for children in New York (the app also works for a few other major cities in the US) and that took us to the doll festival at the Japanese Society last Sunday and will take us to creative open studio at the Guggenheim this weekend.

Being outside in the buzzing city is just the cherry on the top of the cupcake. Although it is still cold and snow covers large parts of the sidewalks, the New York atmosphere is unbeatable with the friendly chat and small favors (like letting me in to the subway through the emergency door because I had just used my card but left again to get a snack for Zoe). Zoe and I almost never get on to a full subway car without someone getting up so she can sit, something that never happens in Sweden (in fact people will keep their seats so Zoe and I have to sit diagonally from each other instead of just scooting in). All in all we got ourselves a really good deal here.  

New York Headstart

I was sitting on the couch with Zoe last night, chatting and deciding what book to read as bedtime story when she suddenly looked at me with a very sad face. "You know Mommy? At daycare (she still uses the Danish work for daycare since there is no word for preschool), the other kids know letters. All the letters!" At this point she started crying. She still looked at me but sobbed: "They know the letters without the teacher helping them!" I tried to comfort her and told her that they had learned and that it was no big deal, she would learn too but she was clearly really upset. I picked out her alphabet exercise book and we colored Q and learned words with Q but I could tell she was still distraught.

I was possibly even more upset because I had never seen her be so sad about not knowing something and she was used to being ahead or at least equal to her class mates in Sweden. I had worried slightly about this because I knew they were ahead in the US and basically follow a very different teaching philosophy than in Scandinavia where teaching academic skills is not in the curriculum (i.e. letters or math) before kindergarten. This is also why I had bought the exercise books, but with our busy lives we had only managed to make it to Q in the first book. I know Zoe knows numbers up to 4 as well as the three letters in her name but other than that she is typical Scandinavian in that they only pick things up if they really want to. Teaching is not structured and most of the 'teaching' in daycare is about themes such as nature, transportation and the body. Being from this system myself, I can appreciate it, particularly since I was rather slow in learning to read but ended up in the higher range of the educational system. But I also realize it does not work for all and being able to "measure up" with your peers is important everywhere.


So I asked a friend who home schools her twins (so far) and who is much more knowledgeable about childhood education than I am, if she could give me some advice. This morning I followed some of her tips for books and tools for learning to both recognize and write letters and numbers. The tiger mom that I am, I got same-day delivery (I didn't even know there was such thing, but that's another benefit of being located very centrally) and just as Zoe had put on her pajamas, we received two sandpaper tracing books, one for letters, one for numbers. She was excited and immediately drew the number 10 with a green crayon.

When I told the teacher this afternoon about Zoe's concerns, she tried to comfort me and explain. She firstly told me that the children were all at different levels. But she also told me that this particular program was called Headstart for a reason. The other parents were very keen on academics (I had never heard this word being used in relation to small children before) and pushed the teachers to make sure there was more specific learning than play. I told her about the Scandinavian system and she seemed to understand. It was not that Zoe was behind, it was that this had never been part of her daily routine*.

In the afternoon we walked home through the snow and when it got too thick to walk through, we went inside a cafe for hot chocolate and apple pie. Zoe asked me for a pen and proceeded to draw the nicest 3 I had ever seen on a paper napkin. "I learned this today", she said proudly and I exhaled a sigh of relief. She is a fast learner. She will be drawing numbers by the end of the week and know the alphabet before the end of the month.

*That said, I know that in Zoe's Swedish daycare they do a lot of 'math', counting, recognizing numbers, and talking about things. They also do a lot of physical work like dancing and gymnastics, play outside two hours a day and have structured activities. But they would never all any of them academics.

New York (full time working) mom

Today was my first real day as New York full-time working mom. Until now, my parents (who brought her over), have been here helping me out with Zoe and as much as it can be a bit tedious staying four people in a small New York apartment, it has in fact been blissfully easy. Mostly because it has enabled me to go out for the occasional drink late at night when Zoe is asleep, and transitioning into the daycare was taken care of while I could go to work full days. My mom has had several cozy days with her, just playing at home, eating cracker bunnies for breakfast, lunch and dinner, which they both thoroughly enjoyed.

But life must go on and after picking up Zoe at my friend's house (a friend who helped me out in a pinch between me having to stay at work, Zoe not allowed to be at daycare the full day yet and my parents having to catch a flight), my parents took off. It is just me and Zoe now, which is nice but also introduces the reality of being the real New York Full-Time Working Mom.

So between 10:20 and 10:35am today, between answering administrative email and writing on a funding proposal, I managed to grocery shop with delivery in the evening. At 3pm, after a very interesting talk at work about data science, math and journalism, I rushed over to pick up a still sleeping Zoe who had been scarred for life by the noisy Chinese New Year festival show in preschool, and consequently been invited for a playdate by Lisa's parents, since Lisa had apparently comforted and bonded with her. Obviously Zoe's own mom had to work on all day today when parents were invited for 11am (at least in Sweden the Lucia train is at 7:30am to catch the darkness and for parents to catch work hours). But I guess it is not a bad sign that your child is invited for a play date within the first week of her preschool attendance. Then Zoe and I had to hurry over to ballet class, a class Zoe has looked forward to since the end of the previous class two weeks ago. We waited for the subway that would take us to another line but it just didn't come. I cursed the Z and J line a bit and dragged Zoe up to catch a taxi. In the taxi I realized I had the wrong address but when we got off it took me another five minutes to realize that the first address was correct. When we reached the studio it was already ten minutes into class and while Zoe and I threw off her clothes and hurriedly put on her tutu and slippers, I told her to apologize to the teacher and tell her that her mom was terrible in fining her way around Manhattan. Or writing the correct address in her calendar. Next time I'll pick her up at 2:30 and we will have to wait for the subway so the 50$ classes don't turn into 60$ classes each time.

After the dance class I naively asked Zoe what she wanted for dinner. Sushi was the obvious answer and I agreed. Let's find a little place where we can take some sushi home. But Zoe wasn't buying it. "I'm hungry now, I want to sit down". I quickly looked up sushi places around us, partly embarrassing myself because we were virtually on top of three. We walked into one after I had checked that the menu was decently priced but they were not open yet. We crossed to street to yet another place and since that was open we went in and quickly got a seat in the small restaurant. It was very nice and the sushi was as overly priced as a restaurant in Tribeca would be. So there we were, mother and daughter having upscale sushi for dinner on a normal Friday afternoon. It was amazing, both the food and the company. Zoe is old enough that we can have great conversations and she is always fun to chat with. She was telling me about all the new things at preschool. She downed twice the amount of salmon rolls and miso soups as I did. As the waitress took away her empty plate at the end she exclaimed in her cute British accent: "Thank you for the food!" Not one guest in the restaurant did not smile or chuckle. And I thought: "I have the most adorable daughter".

We ran home, catching the red 1 that stops close to our house, just in time for the delivery of the groceries. As I put away the veggies and fruit, Zoe "read" the song that we had written on a piece of paper in the morning. Later before bedtime we played teacher and pupils, she being the teacher and teaching me about boats. "That's a good one", she kept saying in a teacherly voice when I tried to answer her complicated questions of how boats sail and what they are made of. It was clear what they had taught her in preschool these past few days.

My first day as a New York Mom ended up with me having a cup of tea on the couch trying to plan how I'll be able to read at least one article tomorrow while being alone with her. And still live up to the level of activities and quality. Or perhaps it is just a television day tomorrow. I can't be the perfect New York mom every day.

The preschool game of NYC

Zoe's arrival here in NY is closing in and hence, I have been introduced to the preschool game of New York. Or maybe it is even an art, I'm not sure yet. What I am sure of is that it has taken me the better part of the past two weeks to research, call, visit and get rejections from several preschools. The great advantage of the free market is that you have choices, and many of them, particularly if you are willing and able to pay a lot of money. The downside when it comes to the free market of preschool is that they also have choices and sometimes the don't choose you.

I had been emailing with a administrator at one creme-de-la-creme-de-la-Chelsea Art preschool who finally asked me to "come down to fill in an application" at 11 am one Wednesday morning. Now that throws off my day quite a bit and I ended up having to stay at work until 8pm. Never mind that. She had ignored my request for a tuition schedule, she had also been vague about any details of hours but I took the chance anyway. There is a huge difference in price though with anywhere from 15.000 to 25.000 dollars per year (okay, I know my scandinavian readers now are gasping in disbelief). I walked into a reception like area and received the application. On that I had to list different details, for example if I was married, divorced, bla bla bla and religious affiliation. I realized it was a religiously affiliated school although it didn't seem to have much weight in their everyday activities which were illustrated with brightly colors and pictures on the wall. I handed over the application and let her know the dates I needed the preschool for. Yes, they had one spot in the classroom I was looking for. Two hours later I received an email notification that they did not have any spots after all. I was rejected (I say I, not Zoe, because they never even saw a picture of her). I got really annoyed and wondered if it was the non-religious affiliation or the single divorcee status that I had, which had gotten me rejected. I complained to a NY friend who simply said I shouldn't take it personally. I tried not to but I was so annoyed that this woman stole my time without being clear on any of their criteria. And why wasn't I good enough anyway? The irony of it all of course being that I had been on the receiving side of 'special treatment' when I got Zoe's private trilingual daycare in Stockholm, being invited for a meeting and not until the director had seen me and talked to me, been told that there was a spot for Zoe.

My continued investment in finding a preschool led me to a university (loosely) affiliated place where I met the most helpful woman in NY. It turns out that she is the savior of all incoming parents who dare go against the regular academic system of September starts, and knows prices, places and tricks. I called up two more places and went to visit. It turned out that at one place I qualify for subsidy of the tuition fee, which would make the price almost comparable to Scandinavia. Well, almost. So here are my non-sugar coated final choices:

• The university affiliated place in a new building with plenty of room and 15 kids in a class. However, they are all 1-2 years younger than Zoe, only one boy was almost her age. It is 10 minutes walk away.
• The community care in an old (but charming) building with 22 kids in a class, all Asian and African American. Zoe would be the only white kid in the class. However, I saw at least 2 or 3 girls her age whom I cannot imagine she would not get along with. The place is a subway ride away and a bit of a walk on each end.
• A private place that I'm seeing on Monday. It is also 10 min walk away and they provide lunch. She assured me that there were children her age.

I'm strongly leaning towards the community care because, and these are some of the (perhaps politically incorrect) thoughts I have had before when she has been in these types of daycares (because these are the only daycares that will take kids temporarily): As a well-educated parent with a smart and articulate child, who is doing really well developmentally and personality wise, I think I have a duty to 'give back' to the community. It is all very nice to donate money to the poor and bla bla bla, but I actually think another way is to integrate more. I don't want to be the goody goody white woman who just dives in and buys the cookies at the neighborhood fund-raising fair. Zoe could be a fresh breath of air in the classroom where the diversity is much bigger than in her upper-middle class Swedish daycare. Besides, she has plenty in common with them, they are all bilingual, speaking another language at home, having different roots. The place was rough on the edges but everyone was as nice as all the other places I had visited and well, kids are just always cute no matter what tone of skin. 

After a week of hard work, I now just have to go and see the one on Monday before making up my mind. But it has to be amazingly perfect and super-crazy good to beat the community preschool. I can't wait to tell Zoe all about it when I see her next week in Stockholm