When half is as good as it gets

This morning I took the little kids duvet from the couch where it has been warming my feed for the last two months back to the bed where it belongs. I also took out two pair of boots from the closet, size 29, and put them next to the much bigger boots in the hallway. I took out the Hello Kitty lunch box from the top shelf and the Frozen themed glass with the pink spiral straw, which lights up when you flick the switch at the bottom of it. I didn't need to take down the tiny tea set and the children's books are all lined up on the lower shelf of the long book case.

I know the routine by now. The things I teary eyed took away, put into closets so I wouldn't get reminded too much of Zoe's absence are now being brought back for use again. The things that I kept out to remind me that I have the most adorable and sweet daughter, albeit far away, are being put back to their appropriate place. Zoe will be here this afternoon, staying for two months, exactly two month after she left, as she has done now for over a year. She will go back into her routine of school, dance class, acting class and see her good friends (she has three close friends here) regularly again, but she will also miss her friends and dad in Stockholm.

Reflecting back to the beginning when her and I had to be without each other for first 3 weeks, then two months (these first two months were still the hardest months of my life, hands down) it has become, if not a comfortable routine, then at least something I have gotten more used to. And time flies. The time she is away, I burry myself in work, staying in the office until 7pm, going in on Sundays, writing emails to students past midnight and simply just try to focus on my career. And one day takes the next, I have coffee with friends, dinner with colleagues, go to the Guggenheim museum on a Saturday night and look forward to my everyday life with Zoe.

The situation is not ideal for Zoe (to a large part because she misses her mom a lot) but when two parents can't agree beyond selfishness and principles, half the time is sometimes as good as it gets. And as I look at the pink toothbrush and the bubblegum toothpaste by the sink, I can't help but just be utterly grateful and excited to spent the next two months having a normal everyday life with the most important person in my life.

Happy December

Since it is just Zoe and me in our little household, there is nobody to see us and praise us in terms of just how well I'm doing. So I'm going to do it myself. When Zoe's teacher asked me the other day if I got a babysitter now for once per week, I smiled and said, "No, it was just this Monday, it is still always me picking up Zoe". And of course bringing her. In fact we are managing to have some very nice, not too stressed mornings where I get up, shower, make coffee and breakfast, wake up Zoe (although this morning she woke up herself, walked out in the kitchen and scared the **** out of me because I hadn't heard her) who then watches a bit of TV under her duvet in the sofa, before having breakfast with me at the dining table. Last night we had forgotten to read her school book (she gets one book to take home each day in Kindergarten) but had instead read our other books, so we read this at the breakfast table. Then I realize how late it is and rush Zoe into the bedroom where she dresses herself and brushes her hair (which we braid in the evening so it doesn't tangle during the night), while I put on makeup, earrings and clear dishes away. We run out the door 8:10, just with enough time to walk really fast to school and be the second last kid in the classroom.

Permanent dismissal list at Zoe's classroom.

But mornings are the easy part, me having essentially four jobs now (don't ask...) and trying to fit it all into 9am-2pm + 8pm-11pm is rather complicated. And when important meetings fall in the afternoon I have to get a babysitter (who btw, is a Danish student whom Zoe instantly liked). But almost all other days we enjoy the afternoons together; Tuesday we went to Boise Tea house for Russian Earl Grey and macarons before her drama class and yesterday it was rainy and grey, so we just decided to go home, sit in the sofa with hot chocolate and cookies, writing Christmas cards. The hardest part is when Zoe is finally sleeping, then I have to look at all the things I didn't get to, including planning the next day in detail. Last night I was still emailing with a colleague while getting into bed at 11pm. But waking up with a clear schedule really makes my day more efficient. So now I just have to figure out how to squeeze in 14 reviews of student papers, re-reviews of 12 papers and the planning of two studies, all before Thursday next week.

How is Zoe doing? She is doing really well, with her new friends and her mom right here. She reflected (on her own initiative) on her situation the other morning and said what she had said so many other times, this time much more articulate though: I like living with you best mom. I would like to live with you a bit more, and dad a bit less. I miss my dad but I miss you more when I'm with dad. I think it is because we are both girls. Then she crawled up on my lap and hugged me, crying a bit. So there you go. It is still beyond me, why such clear wishes from a child, just because she is only 5, should not be taken serious. But apparently the law knows better.