Closing in

I have been ignoring it for two months but now it is getting real. In two days, Zoe will be picked up by her dad, go on vacation with him, the girlfriend and some of his friends. Then we are all going to a conference before they fly back with Zoe for her to spend the rest of the school year in Stockholm. I will not be able to see her for two months, since I can't go back before the end of June when my holiday starts. Well, in theory I could go back, but then I would not be able to return (visa issues) and I would not be able to work and have a salary for the summer. Not unlike last year where I had my first two months ever without Zoe. They were some of the hardest days I have ever had, but we survived.

This evening, as Zoe was happily playing with some of all her birthday presents from Saturday, I started thinking of the reoccurring theme: How will this lifestyle of living in two different countries, of having to switch context often, of having two sets of friends, yet being far away from extended family, how will this affect Zoe? How will she deal with it later on when her opinion will matter more? Will she be able to understand why we live in two different countries? Will she like one country above another? I occasionally mention things about moving, both because my future is uncertain, but also just because I'm subletting and can't stay here forever. Today I said something about next time I find an apartment and she flinched, looking up at me. "No mommy, no mommy, I want you to be here." She wants to stay exactly here in our tiny apartment, going to her wonderful local public school with her wonderful friends, taking acting and dance classes a few blocks from here. I realized that she likes stability, because in her life she has seen very little of that. Today on our way home from acting class, we counted just how many apartments she has lived in. Eight different apartments, four different cities, three different countries. And she is turning six.

Later we sat in the bed with pajamas and duvets, watching Muppet Show, the one with Debbie Harry, Zoe's favorite. We both sang along to all the songs and laughed at the grumpy men while outside the window, the Empire State Building shone its signature color. I wrapped my arm around her and hugged her extra tight, knowing it was the second last night in a while. But right now, I was able to just enjoy the moment, just the way things are and life just didn't get much better than that.

Parents

At the aquarium yesterday

Zoe fell asleep with her head on my stomach, so even though I was still fully dressed and had my contacts in, I stayed there in our bed for another 15 minutes, just enjoying her warmth and her breathing. She had been slightly restless after spending most of the day at my aunt's place (while I went to give a talk at my old university) and getting back just in time for a game, story time and bed. While we were lying in bed she started talking about family and I told her how I lived with my mom growing up and went to visit my father on the countryside during the weekends. We would take a walk each evening saying good night to the cows and look at the stars. "What did your father do?" she asked and I told her he was a school teacher but before that he was a television repair man. "He fixed your television if it was broken?", she asked and I explained that for most of my childhood we had at least four televisions, three tape recorders and two VCRs in the house at the same time, all in different working conditions. But he made sure there was always at least one working television where I could watch Muppet Show. Just two days before I had nostalgically introduced Zoe to the Muppet Show, which she had thoroughly enjoyed and watched with me. I also told her that my father taught me a lot of stuff about stars and planet. "Did your dad know a lot?", she responded and I said he did. "My mom knew a lot of things and my dad knew a lot of other things, that's the good thing about having two parents". Then she told me again what she has told me 100 times. "I wish I just lived with you, Mommy". I agreed but also said that she would always have both her parents and live some time with each of us.

Tomorrow is our last day together in a while. I'm planning to make pancakes for breakfast, take Zoe to the national museum and possibly the movies to see Inside Out (if she wants). We are going to have sushi for dinner with my mom and then pack up our suitcases. Wednesday, Zoe is going back to Stockholm and I'm going back to New York. My heart is going to break into two pieces, one for Zoe to keep and one for me to hold on to until I see her again.