Friday, September 26, 2014


Yesterday I realized that I need to keep a spare mascara in my office. And that, if I push the chair in a certain angle, people can't see me through the glass panel. As long as I sit on the floor.

I don't post many things about my very personal life because when divorced, one's love life turn from fairly public (marriage is a public institution) to messy and sensitive. You don't want to hurt anybody, I certainly don't. So of course I have tried my way through to someone new (and old) but so far failed miserably, partly because I'm in no way over my marriage. Partly because I tend to fall for guys who don't fall for me or think that life with me 'is too messy'. 

But this is not only about love. It's about work. I used to do a lot of research with Zoe's dad and although we didn't actually work well together (he is very dominating) I enjoyed most of our academic conversations (alongside of course all the other conversations). He is one of the smartest people I know and we could talk about our research area without end. We co-published quite a bit but always with one of us (mostly me, he had several other projects with different people) driving the process. When we split, these conversations were one of the things I missed the most and I still do. I have great intellectual conversations with other people but I don't have one person to turn to on a daily basis (btw, this is not uncommon, over the years I have observed my parents: My dad is a professor and he always discusses problems at work and research projects with my mom, and she provides a lot of support). I'm sure he misses me this way too.

But yesterday I realized that he has someone new. Someone has taken my place. In a large research meeting he chose to present a paper that he had just written with his new girlfriend. I'm not good at suppressing feelings so the sight of her name on a slide made me physically sick. I walked out of the room, threw up in the bathroom and sat crying on the floor of my office for an hour. My sweet colleague and friend came to see if I was okay and I managed to pull myself together for teaching in the afternoon. But today I'm bringing an extra mascara to keep in my office drawer. 

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