17 days and counting

The Empire State Building was blue and pink when I snapped a picture and texted it to Zoe, knowing she would wake up to it in a couple of hours. I hoped she would be happy to see it and not necessarily think too much about me not being there with her. She would go to her daycare and play with her friends, particularly her best friend with whom she talks with sounding like two teenagers according to her daycare teachers. They are very close and miss each other when one is not there but unfortunately Katie is due to start school after the summer, a school which Zoe cannot get in to. They will be divided no matter what. Perhaps they will be able to stay in touch, but they will be spread across the world soon enough, she is Irish, Zoe is Danish and they are not likely to live in the same country again.

I miss her terribly and count down the days until I get to see her, every morning. My friend and colleague is bring her over on June 25th and I'm going to the airport to pick them up. They have to fly via Copenhagen because that was the only way I could get a ticket on my miles for Zoe and I couldn't afford one on my own. I'm hoping they will pick up some chocolate and a danish magazine on the way. And I hope that Zoe will impress the stewardesses by speaking Danish to them and English back to her friend.

These two months have been long and strange and I have discovered new parts of my mental strength, trying to distract myself, ignore the toys in the corner and not think of Zoe too much. I'm still in disbelief that I let her go back for two months because it was inconceivable before it happened. I know Zoe is also getting hardened, when I talked to her Sunday, she was too distracted by a trampoline to come to the phone and when she did she was not sad as usual. I don't doubt that she misses me, but an everyday lull has probably taken over and (thank god) she is actually having a good time with her dad, all our friends, her friends and a semi-stable life in Stockholm. She also had a stable life here but one with fewer social activities and more mommy-daughter time.

When she comes back to New York she will go to three different summer camps, one for each week plus a week's staycation with me. I know she is excited and I will finally relax again. I'm going to hug her so tightly and not let go for 24 hours and even then, I'll only let her be away from me for a few hours at the time. 17 more days.

Keeping your problems

For the past year or so, this saying has keep popping up in my head. It goes something like this: If everyone took all their problems and put them in a big pile, we would all take our own problems back.

One of the nice things about me being in New York is that I have many friends here. Being in Academia I have friends around the world but for some reason it turned out that I not only have some really close ones here, I also have good friends stop by and wanting to hang out with me. And you never know anyone's situation before you have actually talked face to face and then you realize that yes, you would take all your problems, including your extra five kilo, wrinkles around the eyes and money issues back. Those problems are mine to keep.

My friend asked me about how I'm dealing with being away from Zoe and I said it as it is: It's like having my arm cut off and I cry at least once per day by now. But I'm managing. She smiled compassionately and said that it must be somehow nice to also have a bit of freedom, like just being able to work a lot and see friends at any time. I looked her in the eyes and reflected on my walk over to the cafe where we met: I had overlooked a little boy, Zoe's age, screaming and crying because he wanted candy and the dad had to drag him along the sidewalk. It was clearly not a comfortable situation for either of them. And all I could think was how I wished Zoe was here, crying and screaming over not getting a doll, me not giving her more toys, candy. At least then she would be here with me. So no. Not at all. From my perspective I would gladly have her all the time including the screaming and crying, the babysitting scheduling, the bringing to work, the flying to conferences. This is obviously easy for me to say because fact is that Zoe is probably the most well-behaved 5 year old girl in the world and our tifs are tiny and rare. But no. As much as I take advantage of being here on my own now and go out as much as I can, it merely covers up the numbness in my stomach and distracts me. 26 more days. 

Story Time

Friday was the day where everything culminated. It was the semi-yearly paper deadline for me for one of my two main conferences and my research group and I were submitting two papers with my name on it (four altogether in the group). I had barely slept the past few nights because paper writing and editing was of course taking place up until last minute but I did manage to take a yoga class in the morning to try to fix my, by now, broken body. My grad student back in Stockholm texted me (about something else) and it turned out that she was looking after Zoe that evening. I asked to talk to her and we skyped while they ate sushi and I dug into one of the little phone rooms that is needed in an open space office environment. We chatted lightly but then came the question she always has: "when do I see you again mommy?" When can she come back? I told her it was another many many days and she got mad, saying that she wished she could just go on a plane now and come see me. And  if she couldn't fly alone, why couldn't Daddy just take her. She started crying and so did I. Before we said goodbye she said what I sometimes say "Mommy you are in my head all the time, all the time". We shakily hung up. I went back to my paper writing but had to turn Zoe's picture away for the rest of the day. My focus was gone. 3:15am, after meeting the deadline (midnight PST) with two decent papers, I walked through the door to my apartment and fell asleep, sleeping straight for 11 hours.

The t-shirt I bought for Zoe

Next day I went shopping to treat myself, not because I can afford it, but because I haven't bought anything for myself since November (okay I bought a couple of t-shirts and a few essential toiletries, and a pair of jeans when my other pair broke but that's it). I felt like a true New Yorker when I walked into a kids store to look for a t-shirt for Zoe and the owner not only recognized me but also told me how she just thought Zoe was the sweetest and that I had to bring her in when she comes back. I bought a tote and a t-shirt for Zoe, not batting an eyelid by spending money on her, but cringing when spending $30 on a t-shirt for myself. I finally got a pair of übercool sunglasses in Kate Spade and tried on a $369 pair of sandals that I wish I could buy.

The book I read for Zoe

This morning Zoe called me again and told me she had gone camping with her dad the previous day, spending the night in a tent. She always wanted to do that, and now she told me she wanted to go camping with me as well. "Don't tell me we have to say goodbye Mom" she said a few minutes into the conversation, which is how I got the idea to read her a story. I picked out one of her books from the shelf and read it to her, showing her the pictures on the video screen. She followed curiously and clearly enjoyed. "I hate time", she said in the end, "I hate time so much, I want time to go away". I agreed and said that I hate when we are apart too but in 32 days, we can like time again.

Two weeks and counting

As for Sundays goes, this was one of the better ones. I got to spend all afternoon with a really really good old friend of mine. In fact I like to call him my oldest academic friend because we met at my very first academic conference back in 2002 when we were both graduate students let lose in a foreign city with two goals: following as many interesting talks and meeting senior researchers during the day, and having as much fun drinking and partying at night. The latter is what I remember the most, including him and I dancing in a basement disco to the tunes of electronic beat music. This was still three years before he would, at a similar occasion in a different city, reach behind my back and cockily snap open my bra. Just to be silly. Since then we have seen each other once or twice per year, closely following each others parallel life of buying a home, marrying and having children, changing jobs and moving cities (well only me). Opposite me, he is still happily married but he has seen me through ups and downs and been hugely supportive whenever we get to talk. In fact, I remember more than once, me being upset and him hugging me, telling me things would be okay. Not something you find in your average academic colleague. Just today I was reminded how this guy, of all men I know, is one of the most observant guys when it comes to emotions. He noticed I got teary eyed when talking about him being away from his family. He asked and listened attentively to why I got divorced. No judgement, just listening.

We walked through the West Village and SoHo, ending up at my secret sushi place where we got the chef's selection of amazing fish, including mini squid and fried fish bone. I realized how lucky I am having such good friends around the world who know me well, who comfort me when I'm sad that Zoe is not with me. Five weeks more. Just five weeks.