Happy mom is a good mom

It was the usual routine. I video chatted with Zoe while she was having dinner but at one point she started crying because she misses me so much. I tried comforting her, but I always tear up too. Her dad then cut our conversation short as usual because Zoe needed to take a bath (they do bath every night) and we hung up, after she promised me she would call soon again (although I always call her). I had just explained how I'd made a Skype id for her and that she could now call me from her own phone (she has an iPod touch for games, which she calls her phone). And as always, I felt a rock in my stomach and I considered grabbing my bag and head for the airport to catch the first flight to Stockholm to see her.

Walking home later from the Grumpy coffee shop where I had enjoyed a flat white while editing a student's paper, I had a minor revelation. I am here in New York because I know it is best for me and I cannot forget that. And that's the irony. Because even though from the outside, it looks like it would be 'best' for Zoe to have me close by in Stockholm, it would not be best for her to have a depressed mother who hates her job very much. In fact, I don't think it is fair for parents to give up their own happiness for their children, it only bites them in the back later through guilt feelings and blame. It's not simple though and it also doesn't work well in a motherhood popularity contest.

The west village apartment

I reminded myself to think about my situation and opportunities here again. Just lie down and think thoroughly about is. Is this what I want? The New York job, the West Village apartment, the Brooklyn boyfriend? At night I did just that. And even after two phone calls with my new colleague who needed my help on a document that very evening I had no doubts about those three. These are exactly the things I always wanted. Now if just Zoe could get the only thing that she wants too, then we would be all fine.

Reading your mother language

Swan water bike

I was walking home alongside the east-most lake in Copenhagen. The lake where I, as a little girl, fed bread crumbs to the ducks and on one unlucky day got bit by a swan almost taller than I. The lake that I strolled around with Zoe in her pram during many of our visits to Copenhagen. I continued through the tiny streets with the 'potato row' houses watching kids play on the street and parents sitting in their mini-gardens drinking coffee. I was returning from brunch with my brother and parents, at the 'coffee salon' next to the rental water bikes on the lower lake. The sunny sky was a perfect backdrop to my Copenhagen nostalgia. Yet, my mind had been partly on Zoe because I knew she would have loved the brunch (bacon, waffle, melon) and we would have rented a swan and biked around the lake. She was in Stockholm with her dad, having fun camping. I will see her next Friday when she comes down for the weekend.

Books for Zoe

With nostalgia in Copenhagen comes nostalgia for my childhood and extra effort to provide Zoe with tools for learning her mother tongue and learn about her mother country. I stumbled upon a used book store a couple of days ago and tried to stay within the limits of what I can fit into my suitcase to take back to New York. I already have a set of books from my parents and other important cultural artifacts that I want to bring back so I carefully selected just four. I can't wait to read them for Zoe when we talk over skype or when she comes back to New York in the end of October.

My summer holiday in Copenhagen is wrapping up, I'm leaving next week after three weeks trying to see as much of family and friends, while working on papers and skyping into meetings in the evening (due to time difference). One of my good calls was staying with my brother and his family for a couple of days so I got to see more of them, particularly my adorably little nephew who recently started talking. He is slightly confused because he usually sees me together with Zoe but now he gets more of my attention without Zoe pointing out that I am her mom, not his mom. Don't worry Zoe, I will always be your mom, always.