Saturday morning thoughts

Zoe woke me up by gently squeezing my arm, telling me it was weekend. We made bagels with nutella and I used my last bit of milk for a strong latte. She started making birthday cards to her grandmother and my brother who both have birthdays coming up, very creative with hearts, stars and glitter glue. I started my 3rd job's tasks, things that I mostly have to do on weekends, often when Zoe is asleep. This 3rd job means I'm surviving in New York as a single mom.

But time is running out. By mid-May my visa is expiring, which means my jobs are running out, which means I have no income. I have a few options, one is applying for another visa, but it is insanely expensive (6000+ $) and I would need to have a job offer. Which I'm not sure I will have. I'm waiting for three people to get back to me about options right now, something that I hate, putting my fate in others' hands. I feel I have ended up in some bad situations in my life by waiting for others or let others influence my decisions. I followed my ex-husband three times for work, which means I have missed out on so many opportunities that other people like me have in my field and ended up in a horrible work/living situation. Trying to correct that now has been extremely difficult. But I'm not giving up (not entirely sure what giving up would look like anyway), I'm still looking for that permanent position in a country I like living in (i.e. the US), that pays enough for me to support a middle class lifestyle for Zoe and me. One pair of designer shoes per year for me and weekly dance classes for Zoe. It's all I'm asking.

Oh and it would be nice to have a boyfriend too. So far, since my divorce, I have managed to date a flaky liar, fall in love with a guy who works for my ex and then my boss. I get dates with guys who buy their degrees on the internet and end up sleeping with my friends, usually putting an end to that friendship. Once a month I vow never to deal with any guys again and live happily ever after, just myself. But then I see them all around me, being all nice and sexy and cute and sometimes even amazing dads. And I fall head over heals again, over the most inappropriate guys who have no interest in me whatsoever.

Zoe finished her birthday cards and we packed them into envelopes. I finished my reviewing of papers and we went to have sushi in the afternoon. At least we have each other and that's not too bad.

Illegal alien

When I came to New York in January it was with the intention to stay for six months. At least officially. I quickly got offered to stay over the summer to continue my research and to work with the amazing PhD students and my fellow researchers here. Since I have no teaching in Stockholm over the summer, I happily agreed. We have planned this since March or April and I wrote the people in charge of my visa about a month and a half ago informing them that I needed it renewed, at least from July 1st to September 1st. They needed more paperwork, which we supplied them with a couple of weeks ago. Today I realized that I still haven't heard back and that my visa runs out in a week. I am really worried about it it because if it does run out it will have enormous consequences for me. I emailed the person in charge twice but haven't heard back. I'm on a J1 and when you have been on one, and it's done, you cannot get one again for another two years. Period. There is also a 2 year home requirement but that's a different rule and that can be bent if you have the right connections and paperwork. I could potentially go on another visa but there is none that would fit my situation since H1s are reserved for actual faculty (I'm a visiting professor) and is very expensive for universities. I would basically have no option to stay here. I'm freaking out a bit and pray to the administration gods that things will go through before next week. Wish me luck.